Our culture may stress that marriage and relationships are all about finding personal fulfillment, but a new study by the University of Michigan indicates that the hard path of service may pay bigger benefits in the long run.
The study followed nearly 1700 couples people over a prolonged period, and looked at the outcome for the surviving spouses. Those who spent at least 14 hours a week caring for an ailing spouse lived significantly longer than those who didn't, according to the survey's author, Stephanie Brown.
"We don't know yet exactly how caregiving motivation and behavior might influence health, but it could be that helping another person—especially someone you love—relieves some of the harmful stress effects of seeing that person suffer."
For years, FamilyLife has publicly honored those who have cared for a spouse in difficult circumstances. The Robertson McQuilkin Award is named for the former Columbia Bible College president who resigned his post to care for his wife Muriel as she suffered the debilitating effects of Alzheimer's.
Seven people have received the award since it's inception in 1999. Including McQuilkin. When Muriel died in 2003, he wrote this message in a letter to friends.
"For 55 years Muriel was flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone. So it's like a ripping of my flesh and deeper—my very bones. But there is also profound gratitude. For ten years I've delighted in recalling happy memories. I still do. No regrets. I'm grateful."
Another couple that embodies this commitment to love and serve in marriage are John and Donna Bishop of Redbud, Arkansas. After 24 years of marriage, John was stricken by a form of encephalitis that completely erased his memory. Donna had to re-teach him everything. But in the process, she also taught him the Source of love, as he recounts from a recent FamilyLife Today radio broadcast. (Note: John still speaks in broken English).
Well, for several weeks, Dennis, she had to do everything for me, and you know what I mean, I say everything. I was like a baby. This went on for weeks and weeks. Like I say, it took me near two years to where I could walk, and I had to work at it, work at it, and so forth, but it was just incredible how good she was to me
I remember one day she finishing cleaning me up again, and I look at her, I say, "Donna, why so good to me?" And she said, "Well, two reasons." And I said, "What that?" "Well," she said, "one, I promise I would." I said, "Promise? I don't remember promise." And she went and got our marriage vows, and she brought them, and she said, "John, we got married." I said, "In sickness and health, better or worse," and I remember I said, "Donna, I am so sorry it this worse, but thank you keeping promise, thank you."
And then she said, "But second reason is" – and she gave me a big hug and says, "I love you." And I got an award back a couple of years ago. A college had asked me to come and they surprise me, they asked me give testimony, and they were giving me an award, and so I was so scared I was going to have to say something and right at last minute, and I thought, "What I going to say?"
And here is what I said – I got up, I said, "I'm going to take this award home to my Donna, and will get on my knees, put in her lap, and I'm going to say, 'Donna, if it wasn't for God and you, I wouldn't even be alive much less getting this." So I said, "This yours." I said, "One day I get to heaven, and I'm going to say 'God, why you been so good to me?' and I think God going to give me two reasons. He going to say, "One, I promise I would," and He might remind me Roman 8:28, "All things work together good them love the Lord," and maybe say "John, I told you you love me, everything all right," and then I believe God going to give me a hug, and I believe God a good hugger, and He going to say, "But, John, main reason I love you," and I sure hope I have something put at His feet and say "Thank you, God."
Whether caring for an ailing spouse adds years to our lives is really insignificant. What's important is that selfless service reflects the love of the One who created marriage in the first place. Our spouses are a gift from God. We do well to treasure them for a lifetime, however long that may be.
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