Denial the Key to Marital Happiness?

By Scott Williams

The title piqued my interest. Apparently, an article coming up in the July issue of the journal Psychological Science claims that perception, not reality, is the source of marital bliss.

Researchers from Northwestern University surveyed 77 married couples and 92 dating couples about their relationship, or perception of it. The heads up article in LiveScience about the upcoming journal research takes a very misanthropic look at the results.

As self-interested, self-absorbed creatures, our own thoughts, feelings, needs and goals come first, and that sometimes means fooling ourselves into thinking we are the center of other people's thoughts, feelings, needs and goals when, in fact, they are mired in their own business.

But should we be disillusioned by our own illusions? Maybe not. Happy marriages might just be those in which both partners uphold a very nice projection of each other, even when things aren't so great. And this makes sense. Happiness is a state of mind, and if denial paints a partner better than they really are, the relationship is bound to be satisfying, as long as no one is slapped in the face with reality.
 

This perception is not so much about denial as it is about being charitable and gracious to a spouse. And this revelation is nothing new. One of the best-known Bible passages, even among non-believers, comes from the 13th chapter of the Apostle Paul's first letter to the church at Corinth. In it he lists seven things that love is and eight that love isn't.

Love IS: Patient Kind Truthful Protective Trusting Hopeful Persevering

Love ISN'T Envious Boastful Proud Rude Self-Seeking Easily Angered A Score-Keeper Glad About Evil

Anyone who's been married more than a few days knows that the difference between the first list and second is personal choice. There will be times when a spouse's behavior deserves a good harsh rebuke, but what they need is to be shown love and forbearance. The best way to be prepared give your husband or wife what they need rather than what you may think they deserve is to run everything through the filter of Philippians 4:8, which challenges us to look exclusively at the other person in the best possible light:

"Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."

Seeking the best in the one you've seen fit to commit your life to is not denial of the truth; it's recognition of it.