Remembering Columbine: Should We Spy On Our Kids?

by Dave Boehi

Today marks the 10th anniversary of the tragedy at Columbine High School in Colorado, when two students, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, killed 13 and injured 24.  There have been many other school shootings, before and since, yet this experience seared our nation's memory in a unique way. Just say the word "Columbine" and anyone over the age of 25 will most likely think of that terrible day. And the really scary part is that Harris and Klebold actually wanted to kill hundreds that day, but their homemade bombs didn't work.

A number of excellent articles on the Columbine school shooting have appeared in the last few weeks. But I haven't seen any that have revived a debate that grew in the aftermath of the shootings:  Should we spy on our kids? Do we have an obligation to know what's going on in their lives? 

Dennis Rainey wrote about this issue back in 1999 right after the Columbine shootings:

It was one of those lonely moments on the road. While my computer was downloading some files, I decided to turn on the television. Surfing my way through the channels, I came  upon a group of parents who were facing some obvious hostility on a talk show.

The topic was, "Parents Who Spy on Kids." I finally turned it off after an audience stacked with teenagers jeered and mocked a couple of moms who felt it was a parent's right and responsibility to know what was going on in a teenager's life.

Six hours later, I turned the television on again, but this time it was to learn what was happening in LIttleton, Colorado. Scenes of teens fleeing Columbine High School and the massacre brought on by two teenage boys tore at my heart as a dad. It could easily have been our three teenage daughters at that school.

Over and over I heard commentators ask the same basic questions: Where were those two boys' parents? Why didn't they know what was going on in their lives?

I thought again of the talk show from earlier in the day and wondered if the audience would still jeer those two brave mothers who spied on their children. As the mounts of flowers and tributes piled up on that grassy knoll in LIttleton, no thinking person was mocking parenting authority.

I believe the general attitude of parents on this issue has been changing in the last ten years. Children will always find ways to hide things from their parents, but parents can also take certain steps to know as much as they can about what is going on in the lives of their kids. 

One of the best things parents can do is set up some expectations when their children are still young. They can let their kids know that, in this family, total privacy is not a God-given right. Some sample rules:

• We will place our family computer in a public space where others can see what you are doing.

• We have a right to check on anything you view, write or doon the computer, including e-mail, Facebook, etc.

• If you you have a cell phone, we will have access to it so we can see who you are calling.

• We may check your room at any time to see if you are hiding anything. 

Some parents will disagree with rules like these, while others will heartily agree and perhaps even give you testimonies about how similar rules helped them when their kids were teens. Ultimately you need to implement them with wisdom; each child is different and needs different supervision. The most important point to remember is that parents should remember is that "spying" on their teens came sometimes save them from big trouble.