The nation's longest-running study on child mental health has yielded a nugget of wisdom for parents: watch your arguments, because they will affect your children well into their adult years.
The Simmons Longitudinal Study has followed 300 one-time kindergartners from Quincy, Massachusetts well into their adult years. The study, which appeared in a recent issue of the Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry found, among other things, that:
...15-year-olds exposed to their parents' verbal battles, or involved in family arguments, were more likely to be functioning poorly at age 30 than other people in the study who did not live in increasingly fight-filled homes.
The children exposed to family fighting were two to three times more likely to be unemployed, suffer from major depression, or abuse alcohol or other drugs by age 30. They also were more likely to struggle in personal relationships, but that was evident to a somewhat lesser degree.
While many child advocates may see this as a reason to champion immediate divorce rather than face a bad home environment, the Boston Globe article detailing the study highlighted something entirely different: Redirecting communication in a positive way.
"You almost have to give a prescription to parents who are fighting not to fight in front of their kids," said Joseph Powers, a family therapist at McLean Hospital.
Arguments don't have to descend into verbal abuse, experts say. The solution is to make the arguments constructive, or, failing that, to swiftly repair the damage of heated words. When ruptures do occur, saying sorry right away can heal the harm.
"There are stresses in the life of a family," Powers said. "But families also have the capacity to repair that, to come to the person and say, 'I just blew it, I'm very sorry, and can we do this another way?' "
It's inevitable when people share so much life and space with each other as couples and families do, that there will be — euphemistically speaking — opportunities to grow through disagreements. Children and teens are often "caught in the crossfire" as the article suggests. Depending on the child, they may withdraw or go on the offensive, or side with one parent or another. Those arguments may grow into resentment and bitterness, which lead to isolation and deep wounds. This is a prime time for parents to model godly behavior in the way they deal with conflict.
For some ideas on how to deal with disagreements in your marriage and to give your children a healthy model for resolving conflict, check out these articles from FamilyLife.com:
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