FamilyLife Culture Watch

Church combats cohabitation with free weddings

By Scott Williams

"Let's Just Live Together."

That was how Pastor Bryan Carter of Concord Church in Dallas titled the final sermon in his six-week series on maximizing singleness. Far from encouraging shacking up, his intent was to prod the cohabiting singles of his congregation with a challenge.

If you aren't honoring God by your behavior, move out. And if you want to get married, get married — the church will pay for it all, the gowns, tuxedos, rings, even the wedding cakes.

"I told them, 'We've already made arrangements, and we'll have you married in 30 days,' " Carter said of that Sunday morning. "I said, 'Meet me at the church at 3 o'clock and we'll provide more details.' "

He was worried that no one would show up. To his relief, and surprise, 30 couples came. In the ensuing weeks, they received pre-marriage counseling and an evaluation of their compatibility as a married couple. By the end of the 30 days, 18 of the couples showed up for the ceremony.

Some acted on the offer because they were convicted about the moral dubiousness of living together. Others were sold because it offered them the dream they had always wanted, but couldn't afford.

The weddings cost the church $8,000, a bargain considering the typical wedding in that part of Dallas runs $18,000-$30,000. And that's not an affluent area.The median household income there is only about $5,000 more than the high end of that range.

That's part of the problem. Weddings today are being seen more as social affairs than as a public declaration of the lifelong union of one man and one woman. A young girl dreams about her Cinderella wedding. Then she finds as a young woman that she and her Prince Charming don't have the resources to pull off the big event, and because she can't separate the ceremony from the commitment, she decides that marriage must not be a reasonable option. Anytime the cost of a wedding prevents a marriage, you have to realize the perspective is all wrong.

The other big part of the problem is cohabitation. In the last three decades, the number of unmarried couples has grown six-fold, and is increasing exponentially today.

"No one wants to get married anymore," Carter said. "They simply want to just live together and enjoy all the benefits of marriage without the commitment."

The reasons couples cohabit are varied, but generally fall into three categories.

• Distrust or devaluing of marriage as an institution or lifestyle
• Cultural divorcement of marriage from sex and childbearing

• Financial considerations

When a culture reinforces the equal validity of all forms of relationships, I believe that God's original design for marriage shows itself to be a one-of-a-kind gem among cheap imitations. The church has not held a high standard, and that has become one of the main reasons that marriage has been rejected by our young people in increasing numbers as just one option of many. Unfortunately, many people simply consider the church as little more than a blessing machine and a picturesque destination for weddings.

The tendency in Christian cultural circles has been to criticize no fault divorce and same-sex unions for destroying the institution of marriage. But Scripture is clear that the world cannot understand the things of God (1 Corinthians 2:14). We have the great privilege of showing the world what marriage is, not just cursing what marriage isn't. We are standard bearers, not stumbling blocks.

Kudos to Pastor Carter and Concord Church for doing just that: showing that marriage is a commitment, not a ceremony; a means for mutual growth toward oneness, not a place to selfishly have needs met; and a blessing from God, meant to reflect the relationship He desires with those He created in His image.

The Cohabitation Complication

By Dave Boehi

A major shift has occurred in our culture during the last forty years: A growing number of couples are living together before they are married. By 2005, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, nearly 10 million people were living with someone of the opposite sex, up from about 878,000 in 1960. Many of these couples view cohabitation as a trial run to see if marriage will work. As one woman writes, “I couldn’t imagine getting hitched to anyone I hadn’t taken on a test-spin as a roommate. Conjoin with someone before sharing a bathroom? Not likely!”

The dramatic rise in cohabitation can be traced to several factors, including:

• Lenient modern attitudes about sex;
• Young adults waiting longer to get married (the median age for first-time marriage is 27.5 for men and 25.6 for women—up from 22.8 and 20.3 in 1960);
• A growing number of people in our culture who believe marriage is not important; and
• The fear of failure—many singles don’t want to end up divorced like their parents.

For many couples, it makes sense to live together so they can determine if their relationship will last before making the commitment of marriage. Living together is the normal type of pre-marriage relationship portrayed in countless movies and television shows. With each new generation of young people, the number of cohabiting couples is expected to rise.

For followers of Christ, living together before marriage should not be a biblical option just from the standpoint of sexual purity alone; God’s Word is very clear about waiting until marriage to enjoy the sexual union.

But let’s also address the question of cohabitation as a trial run for marriage. Does living together really help you see if you are compatible?

While many couples believe that cohabitation simulates a marriage relationship, many researchers and counselors point out that it’s actually a false copy of the real thing. In a letter to a couple living together, Dr. Willard Harley writes,

…I suggest that you consider why couples who live together don’t marry. Ask yourself that very question. Why did you choose to live with your boyfriend instead of marrying him?

The answer is that you were not ready to make that commitment to him yet. First, you wanted to see if you still loved him after you cooked meals together, cleaned the apartment together and slept together. In other words, you wanted to see what married life would be like without the commitment of marriage.

But what you don’t seem to realize is that you will never know what married life is like unless you’re married. The commitment of marriage adds a dimension to your relationship that puts everything on its ear. Right now, you are testing each other to see if you are compatible. If either of you slips up, the test is over, and you are out the door. Marriage doesn’t work that way. Slip-ups don’t end the marriage, they just end the love you have for each other.

What, exactly, is the commitment of marriage? It is an agreement that you will take care of each other for life, regardless of life’s ups and downs. You will stick it out together through thick and thin. But the commitment of living together isn’t like that at all. It is simply a month-to-month rental agreement.

In other words, living together cannot work as a trial run before making the commitment of marriage, because that commitment is what sets marriage apart from every other relationship. It changes everything.

Another problem with living together is what researchers call “relationship inertia.” Couples grow accustomed to living together, and they decide to get married because that seems like what they should do next. They may give in to pressure from parents, or they may feel they “owe each other” after investing so much of their lives in the relationship. As Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor of Family and Marital Studies at the University of Denver, says, “People who are cohabiting might end up marrying somebody they might not otherwise have married.” They are “sliding, not deciding,” he says.

God’s Word (Genesis 2: 18-25) not only establishes blueprints for marriage, but it also reveals a progression for building a relationship:

• Man is alone.
• He recognizes his need for a helpmate.
• God provides for this need.
• Man receives that provision.
• Both man and woman leave father and mother.
• They cleave to one another.
• They become one flesh.
• They experience intimacy and oneness.

In God’s plan, when a man and woman become one flesh, they’ve already committed their lives to each other as a response to God’s provision. Sexual relations and cohabitation before marriage short-circuit this plan.

So in the end, the decisions a couple makes before they are married reveal much about what a couple believes. Are they willing to believe what God’s Word says about building the type of relationship that will last a lifetime? Are they willing to believe in His plan for marriage? Are they willing to follow Him and believe He knows what is best for them?

Out-out-wedlock Births Out of Control

By Scott Williams

The National Center for Health Statistics last week documented a dramatic rise in children born to unmarried mothers—and it attributed much of the increase to women in the 20s and 30s choosing to have children outside of marriage. "It's been a huge increase—a dramatic increase," said one center official. "It's quite striking."

The rise in unwed pregnancies is not just happening in the United States, but throughout most highly developed countries. In fact, compared with 13 other European nations and Japan, the U.S. out-of-wedlock marriage rate is somewhere in the middle of the pack.

Some countries have been on the rise for some time, others just recently. In Japan, the incidence of non-marital births is still low. In Scandinavian countries, it generally makes up half of all births, if not more. Here's the data for each country from 1980, and from the most recent surveys:

Country	1980	Current
Japan	1%	2%
Italy	4%	21%
Spain	4%	28%
Canada	13%	30%
Germany	12%	30%
Ireland	5%	33%
Netherlands	4%	40%
United States	18%	40%
United Kingdom	12%	44%
Denmark	33%	46%
France	11%	50%
Norway	15%	54%
Sweden	40%	55%
Iceland	40%	66%

If Iceland's non-marital birthrate seems unthinkably high, consider that the rate for 20-24 year-olds in the U.S. is a near-identical 60 percent rate. Nearly a third of births to 25-29 year-olds in the U.S. are also outside of marriage.

Social scientists are scrambling to explain the consistent, widespread surge in births outside marriage. Most focus on three primary factors: increased sexual activity outside marriage; the relaxing of social disapproval of out-of-wedlock childbearing; and the number of women delaying or forgoing marriage. In fact, the most recent Census Bureau data indicates that 40 percent women giving birth outside marriage are in cohabiting relationships.

Although we demographers may have a handle on the "what", few have effectively explained the "why" of women choosing to have children outside marriage. Has their view of marriage become jaded and cohabitation become the new marriage? Is pregnancy a woman's attempt to draw her man from a sexual relationship into a more committed marriage-type arrangement? Is motherhood a consolation prize leftover from childhood dreams of marrying Prince Charming and raising a family together?

No developed society can last for long when it fails to offer security and safety for its women and children, and direction and accountability for its men and adolescents. By distancing sex from procreation and childbearing from marriage, we effectively fragment our society into a collection of individuals who see love, sex, marriage and children as commodities that exist solely for their own happiness. In the meantime, we're bringing children into a world of instability and egocentrism that perpetuates the cycle exponentially.

Data continue to show that a child does best when raised in a stable, loving home with a mother and father each contributing uniquely to that child's development and happiness. While it's possible for a young mother to raise the child alone, it still puts the child at a disadvantage. Often unmarried mothers have much less time and money—two important elements for raising a child—than their married counterparts. And research is also beginning to show that a father plays an integral part in the development of a child.

And while it's possible for a cohabiting couple to raise children, data continue to show that those relationships fail at a much higher rate than traditional marriages. So, again, children of cohabiting couples often end up spending part of their developmental years without the optimal benefit of both parents.

So why is cohabitation seeing such a sharp rise in this country and so many others? Part of it is many couples settle for convenience over the more difficult but stable option. That often shows in the arguments they use against getting married. We'll look at some of those arguments in a followup post soon.

Around the World in 80 Words - #53

IRELAND: After the Church of England released its first guide on happy marriage, the number of Irish couples seeking counseling is skyrocketing.

UNITED KINGDOM: With wedding prices averaging £15,000-20,000 (about $22,000-$30-000), the marriage rate has fallen 2.7 percent since 2006.

RUSSIA: Since the fall of the Soviet Union, the social structure is facing a meltdown that shows no sign of abating. Births are off 40 percent, there are 8 divorces for every 10 marriages, and 45% of couples choose cohabitation.

The stuff dreams are broken over

By Scott Williams

It's the typical daydream of most every little girl. Finding a man who loves her, having a romantic wedding, then raising a family together. But what happens when the reality comes too early and the dream is out of sequence?

On the news that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have broken off their marriage plans the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy released statistics that show the shattered dreams that come from teen pregnancy:

• When their child is born, more than half of all teen moms fully expect to be married to the father. The reality: only 2 in 10 of those fathers will.
• Reality is only 8 percent of teen moms marry the "baby daddy" within a year of the child's birth
• And failure is high. Teen girls who give birth outside marriage are far less likely to be married at 35 than their peers who wait to get pregnant. In fact, the failure rate of teen marriages is twice as high as those who wait until after 25, with or without out-of-wedlock pregnancy.
• It's not just teen mothers. Most women who give birth outside marriage stay single, and of those who cohabit, it's much more likely that they'll either continue to cohabit or to break up than it is to get married.

In 1980, the number of teen pregnancies outside marriage was just over half. Now it's at 80 percent. Unfortunately, too many girls have bought into two culturally-reinforced ideas that derail their childhood dreams. One is that if they have sex with a guy (or get pregnant by him) he will love and maybe even marry her. The second is that the original dreams of marriage were unrealistic, but at least they can get a child out of it and fulfill the part of the dream about having a family.

Young people today are fed the idea that individual happiness trumps cultural restraint. Looking back, it seems now that those societal taboos of the past about premarital sex and out-of-wedlock childbearing may have been "oppressive" enough to help many a young girl keep her dreams intact.

I just finished the book Hooked: How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children. Authors Joe McIlhaney and Freda Bush (both ObGyns), look at recent discoveries in neuroscience to make a strong case for parental (and other adult) involvement.

The prefrontal cortex of the brain (the part that handles mature reasoning) is not fully developed until the mid-20s. Because brain chemicals like dopamine (that seek repetition of pleasurable actions) and oxytocin and vasopressin (the female and male bonding chemicals) are so much in play in teens, teens need outside intervention to keep them from following urges that cause them to be involved in behavior than will easily jeopardize their future.

And it's not just the physical consequences like pregnancy or sexually-transmitted infections that cause problems with non-marital sex. Research now shows that emotional and psychological bonds are created any time there is sexual involvement between two people. Making and breaking bonds with several individuals before marriage apparently weakens the bonding process that is supposed to occur when a couple marries and experiences intimacy for the first time. I would not be at all surprised if neuroscience research eventually links early and repeated extramarital sexual activity to the increase in divorce rates over the past few decades.

The greatest protector of dreams is the One who put the dream there in the first place. God created girls to desire relationships, and ultimately to be in an intimate relationship with one man who would love her, and give her children and security. It happens to be the same One who designed both sex and the marriage relationship. Cultural rules change, but God's design for sex and marriage and families is reliable and fulfilling.

The stuff dreams are built on.