FamilyLife Culture Watch

The Manhattan Declaration

by Dave Boehi

Today marks the release of a significant document that Charles Colson says is "one of the most important documents produced by the American church, at least in my lifetime." The Manhattan Declaration, he writes, is a "wake-up call—a call to conscience—for the church. It is also a crystal-clear message to civil authorities that we will not, under any circumstances, stand idly by as our religious freedom comes under assault."

The document, signed by 148 religious leaders, including Dennis Rainey, President of FamilyLife, is a strong, biblical statement that focuses on three issues: the sanctity of human life, the dignity of marriage as the conjugal union of husband and wife, and the rights of conscience and religious liberty. As the Manhattan Declaration website says:

Inasmuch as these truths are foundational to human dignity and the well-being of society, they are inviolable and non-negotiable. Because they are increasingly under assault from powerful forces in our culture, we are compelled today to speak out forcefully in their defense, and to commit ourselves to honoring them fully no matter what pressures are brought upon us and our institutions to abandon or compromise them. We make this commitment not as partisans of any political group but as followers of Jesus Christ, the crucified and risen Lord, who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. 

Another key statement, from the declaration itself:

". . . We will not comply with any edict that purports to compel our institutions to participate in abortions, embryo-destructive research, assisted suicide and euthanasia or any other anti-life act; nor will we bend to any rule purporting to force us to bless immoral sexual partnerships, treat them as marriage or the equivalent or refrain from proclaiming the truth, as we know it, about morality and immorality and marriage and the family."

It's worth reading the entire document, which includes strong sections on each of the three issues discussed. Click here to download The Manhattan Declaration.

It will be interesting to read the reaction over the next few days, because the Manhattan Declaration addresses some of the most controversial issues of our day.  My prediction: Plenty of name-calling, hysteric indignation and accusations that Christians are plotting to take away the liberties of everyone who disagrees with them.  As one person wrote in a comment on a Washington Post blog post by one of the Manhattan Declaration authors, "The Taliban are thriving here in America.  The 'Manhattan Declaration' is their war cry against the freedoms of everyone else."

Let's call this marriage off

by Barbara Rainey

A good friend forwarded an article to me about the demise of a marriage. Written by Sandra Tsing Loh, the author told her husband she wanted a divorce and then wrote, "sadly and to my horror, I am divorcing." Married for 20 years and a mother of girls still at home, she describes the decision to end her marriage to a good man as cataclysmic and heart-shattering.

The story of another marriage ending did not surprise me. It's really nothing new. 

But her conclusion left me thinking long after I moved on to the next e-mail: "I did not have the strength to 'work on' falling in love in my marriage again. Given my staggering working mother's to do list, I cannot take on another arduous home- and self-improvement project, that of rekindling our romance." Her words percolated in my mind. She was saying she's too tired to try any more, as if working on a marriage requires purely physical strength.

In the author's defense I want to say how much I understand and empathize with her situation. She is in her mid-forties, juggling a career, kids with schools and lessons and appointments, bills to pay, meals to prepare, and pets to feed. It's a crazy time of life. I remember those years of my forties as being some of the most stressful I'd ever endured. During these years a woman teeters between youth and middle age, experiences the turmoil and rejection of teenagers who used to adore her, deals with aging parents, faces personal health issues, and figures out how to manage a marriage that often has become stale or at least challenged in this season.

But as difficult as this season can be in a marriage, I differ with her as to the solution.

Rick and Kay Get Married

by Dave Boehi

Christianity Today has an interesting online excerpt from a new biography, Prophet of Purpose: The Life of Rick Warren.  The excerpt tells the story of how Rick met his wife, Kay, and the struggles they had right after they were married.  I'll have to get the book and read the original chapter, because the story felt a bit condensed, but as it stands it's a sobering tale of two people who were woefully unprepared for marriage.  They hardly knew each other when they got engaged, they spent nearly all of their engagement apart, they were unaware of how some baggage from Kay's past would affect their relationship, and they did not know how to communicate and resolve conflict.  It's a classic story to illustrate the need for thorough premarriage counseling. 

But it's also a classic story of two people who stuck with their marriage vows.  They sought help from a Christian marriage counselor, even when they really couldn't afford it.  It paid off, and they have returned for counseling several times since then.  "There are times now when we'll say, 'You know, we could really use a tune-up,'" Kay says, "and we'll got for a while and it helps us through a rough spot.  Rick and I are big believers in really good counseling."

I was just about to post this when I met with Bob Lepine, my boss here at FamilyLife, and he reminded me that he and Dennis Rainey interviewed the Warrens on this subject for FamilyLife Today.  They're very honest about the mistakes they made before they were married.  "You talk about violating principles," says Kay, "if somebody were to do a premarital counseling with us, and all the things they would check off and say, 'This is bad, this is bad, this is bad, you haven't done this, you haven't talk about'--we had done none of it."

The Cohabitation Complication

By Dave Boehi

A major shift has occurred in our culture during the last forty years: A growing number of couples are living together before they are married. By 2005, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, nearly 10 million people were living with someone of the opposite sex, up from about 878,000 in 1960. Many of these couples view cohabitation as a trial run to see if marriage will work. As one woman writes, “I couldn’t imagine getting hitched to anyone I hadn’t taken on a test-spin as a roommate. Conjoin with someone before sharing a bathroom? Not likely!”

The dramatic rise in cohabitation can be traced to several factors, including:

• Lenient modern attitudes about sex;
• Young adults waiting longer to get married (the median age for first-time marriage is 27.5 for men and 25.6 for women—up from 22.8 and 20.3 in 1960);
• A growing number of people in our culture who believe marriage is not important; and
• The fear of failure—many singles don’t want to end up divorced like their parents.

For many couples, it makes sense to live together so they can determine if their relationship will last before making the commitment of marriage. Living together is the normal type of pre-marriage relationship portrayed in countless movies and television shows. With each new generation of young people, the number of cohabiting couples is expected to rise.

For followers of Christ, living together before marriage should not be a biblical option just from the standpoint of sexual purity alone; God’s Word is very clear about waiting until marriage to enjoy the sexual union.

But let’s also address the question of cohabitation as a trial run for marriage. Does living together really help you see if you are compatible?

While many couples believe that cohabitation simulates a marriage relationship, many researchers and counselors point out that it’s actually a false copy of the real thing. In a letter to a couple living together, Dr. Willard Harley writes,

…I suggest that you consider why couples who live together don’t marry. Ask yourself that very question. Why did you choose to live with your boyfriend instead of marrying him?

The answer is that you were not ready to make that commitment to him yet. First, you wanted to see if you still loved him after you cooked meals together, cleaned the apartment together and slept together. In other words, you wanted to see what married life would be like without the commitment of marriage.

But what you don’t seem to realize is that you will never know what married life is like unless you’re married. The commitment of marriage adds a dimension to your relationship that puts everything on its ear. Right now, you are testing each other to see if you are compatible. If either of you slips up, the test is over, and you are out the door. Marriage doesn’t work that way. Slip-ups don’t end the marriage, they just end the love you have for each other.

What, exactly, is the commitment of marriage? It is an agreement that you will take care of each other for life, regardless of life’s ups and downs. You will stick it out together through thick and thin. But the commitment of living together isn’t like that at all. It is simply a month-to-month rental agreement.

In other words, living together cannot work as a trial run before making the commitment of marriage, because that commitment is what sets marriage apart from every other relationship. It changes everything.

Another problem with living together is what researchers call “relationship inertia.” Couples grow accustomed to living together, and they decide to get married because that seems like what they should do next. They may give in to pressure from parents, or they may feel they “owe each other” after investing so much of their lives in the relationship. As Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor of Family and Marital Studies at the University of Denver, says, “People who are cohabiting might end up marrying somebody they might not otherwise have married.” They are “sliding, not deciding,” he says.

God’s Word (Genesis 2: 18-25) not only establishes blueprints for marriage, but it also reveals a progression for building a relationship:

• Man is alone.
• He recognizes his need for a helpmate.
• God provides for this need.
• Man receives that provision.
• Both man and woman leave father and mother.
• They cleave to one another.
• They become one flesh.
• They experience intimacy and oneness.

In God’s plan, when a man and woman become one flesh, they’ve already committed their lives to each other as a response to God’s provision. Sexual relations and cohabitation before marriage short-circuit this plan.

So in the end, the decisions a couple makes before they are married reveal much about what a couple believes. Are they willing to believe what God’s Word says about building the type of relationship that will last a lifetime? Are they willing to believe in His plan for marriage? Are they willing to follow Him and believe He knows what is best for them?

The Inverse Power of Praise

By Scott Williams

Nurture Shockis a new book by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. The duo have compiled many of their New York magazine articles on the science of parenting under topical headings with provocative titles that strike at the heart of culturally popular parenting myths.

Right out of the blocks the book attacks the Golden Calf of parenting myths—that children should be praised for things like their intelligence, and as often as possible.  "According to a survey conducted by Columbia University," Bronson wrote in his original New York article, "85 percent of American parents think it's important to tell their kids that they're smart.  In and around the New York area, according to my own (admittedly nonscientific) poll, the number is more like 100 percent.  Everyone does it, habitually. The constant praise is meant to be an angel on the shoulder, ensuring that children do not sell their talents short."

The problem is that studies suggest this type of praise is having the opposite effect.  "Giving kids the label of 'smart' does not prevent them from underperforming.  It might actually be causing it."

The praise fad owes it genesis to Nathaniel Branden's 1969 book, The Psychology of Self-Esteem, which Bronson and Merryman contrast with the recent research of Carol Dweck that shows quite a different picture.