FamilyLife Culture Watch

Let's call this marriage off

by Barbara Rainey

A good friend forwarded an article to me about the demise of a marriage. Written by Sandra Tsing Loh, the author told her husband she wanted a divorce and then wrote, "sadly and to my horror, I am divorcing." Married for 20 years and a mother of girls still at home, she describes the decision to end her marriage to a good man as cataclysmic and heart-shattering.

The story of another marriage ending did not surprise me. It's really nothing new. 

But her conclusion left me thinking long after I moved on to the next e-mail: "I did not have the strength to 'work on' falling in love in my marriage again. Given my staggering working mother's to do list, I cannot take on another arduous home- and self-improvement project, that of rekindling our romance." Her words percolated in my mind. She was saying she's too tired to try any more, as if working on a marriage requires purely physical strength.

In the author's defense I want to say how much I understand and empathize with her situation. She is in her mid-forties, juggling a career, kids with schools and lessons and appointments, bills to pay, meals to prepare, and pets to feed. It's a crazy time of life. I remember those years of my forties as being some of the most stressful I'd ever endured. During these years a woman teeters between youth and middle age, experiences the turmoil and rejection of teenagers who used to adore her, deals with aging parents, faces personal health issues, and figures out how to manage a marriage that often has become stale or at least challenged in this season.

But as difficult as this season can be in a marriage, I differ with her as to the solution.

Around the World in 80 Words - #56

POLAND: Spurred by a rash of cases of father’s molesting young daughters, the lower house passed a law requiring chemical castration for those accused of rape against children or close relatives.

CHINA: During an eight-day holiday celebrating 60 years of communism, couples in Chongqing province will not be allowed to divorce. Government offices will be open to license marriages, though.

INDONESIA: Outgoing conservative Islamist legislators in this autonomous province voted unanimously to allow public stoning to death in cases of adultery.

The Superior Wife Syndrome

EDITOR'S NOTE: In this post is from Culture Watch's little sister blog, FamilyLife MomBlog, Barbara Rainey gets honest about how recent cultural messages have overfed the pride of many women, including herself. In fact, apparently about 2/3 of all women consider themselves the superior spouse when it comes to everyday family living, says the psychologist and author who wrote the book, The Superior Wife Syndrome.

by Barbara Rainey

On a recent Monday morning, I had turned on the Today show to catch our local news and weather on the half hour. As I listened from the kitchen I heard one of the hosts introduce an author with new research on wives. The title of her book is The Superior Wife Syndrome. When I heard the intro I grabbed my notepad and sat down to hear about the latest syndrome to afflict our population. I was ready to critique.

But as I listened I found myself agreeing with some of what she said, though I wouldn't go so far as to label it a syndrome. The author, Carin Rubenstein, has discovered that millions of wives think they do everything better than their husbands. They feel they are more responsible, more capable, and in a word, more superior. Hmmm, I thought. Sounds a little more like pride to me.

There is truth to this discovery. Beginning in the 1970s, women have been instructed to do it all. We've been told we can work full time and raise kids at the same time, all with great success. Many have gone so far as to say we don't need men. Women's drive to achieve equality in the work place has resulted in this attitude of superiority, I believe. 

This temptation to exalt ourselves over our men is as old as the earth. I find myself dealing with this attitude more than I'd care to admit. I load the dishwasher more efficiently than he, I fold the clothes better than he, and I pack the car much more neatly than his haphazard preference of just throwing it all in and slamming the door to keep it from falling out.  And when I focus on how much better I am in certain tasks and responsibilities I can quickly move to feeling superior. In addition I'm learning this is much more of a temptation in the empty nest. When we had kids my corrective measures were directed at them and less at my husband. Now he is the sole focus of my rehabilitation and retraining efforts. Poor man.

Author Carin Rubenstein gave three tips for this syndrome which are not new, but they are good to remember because they are timeless. First, ask for help. He can't read your mind.  Second, educate him with logic, not emotional outbursts. And third, be willing to settle for less. 

I would add a fourth tip: Let him be who he is. As my husband would say, and he is so right, there is more than one way to do a task. My way isn't always right and his isn't always wrong.  Most of our conflicts aren't about right and wrong anyway, but about personal preferences for how something is accomplished. In the end it's not a big deal anyway. Certainly not worth the damage to a marriage and your man that a superior attitude will cause.

Around the World in 80 Words - #55

FRANCE: A recent Supreme Court ruling allows passionate messages to paramours to be admissible in divorce cases.

SWITZERLAND: UBS Bank's decision to hand over account information of more than 4,000 Americans could lead to countless divorce settlements being thrown out. Many men have apparently hidden assets in Swiss banks to avoid higher alimony payouts to ex-wives.

MOROCCO: Despite a relatively new law giving more protection, women  pregnant out of wedlock have relatively few rights, since sex outside marriage isn't acknowledged by the state.

Around the World in 80 Words - #54

EGYPT: After a two-year appeal to his parents to allow him to marry a woman from a lower caste, a 25-year-old man castrated himself. Marriages in southern Egypt are usually within castes, and rarely for love.

UNITED KINGDOM: Statistics show a continuing decline and divorce rates and increase in the number of years the average couple is married.

AFGHANISTAN: Women’s rights advocates are still battling the government saying changes in the marriage law don’t go far enough to confront marital rape.